Thursday's waste of government resources

Last week someone installed vaguely German PUR water filters on all the sinks at work. This is good because the water in Austin is a lot like the coffee at Exxon. That is, it's more of a theory about the real thing than the thing itself, and god, what smells like pine? So I was happy about this new upgrade. But, and god I wish I could shut this off, I immediately starting analyzing the philosophy behind these devices. Mainly, that when you turn them on, significantly less fluid comes out then when they are off. I was surprised to realize that for me, that was a bit comforting. A) because it proves its working and B) it seemed like it was really filtering a lot of shit out. Like half the water is gone! My god, how did I ever live without this? Is half the water in Austin Vaseline or Bleach or blueberries (which is what the water in my house totally fucking tastes like)? Those little kraut gizmos must have some serious farfegnugen. I also secretly assume that the vast quantity of toxins, neurotoxins, fish eggs, and brine that it removes is quietly funneled back into the regular water when you turn the filter off. Just as a little fuck you to anybody who's too good or lazy or in a hurry I guess, to spend 3 seconds flipping the little switch. It also has a light on the top that shines emerald when it's in use, or as I like to say…deployed. This, sweet Christ, this was a BRILLIANT idea. Any time some one in America wants to make an old product seem new, they put a fucking light on it. Toasters, toothbrushes, shoes, it doesn't matter. If it lights up, our collective consumerist mouths hang open and, as though we had a seizure or we locked our knees for too long at choir practice and fainted, were all 19.99 plus tax poorer. I think I might go to one of the myriad body modification boutiques in this city and see if the guy who puts metal rods through peoples genitals can install a little blue light in between my eyes that lights up when I do something well. Tell a joke that's funny? BLINK BLINK BLINK. Get to work on time. BLINK BLINK BLINK. I can practically smell the cash rolling in already. Also, this idea is trademarked so don't even think about it beating me to it. BLINK BLINK BLINK.