Thursday's waste of government resources

Last week someone installed vaguely German PUR water filters on all the sinks at work. This is good because the water in Austin is a lot like the coffee at Exxon. That is, it's more of a theory about the real thing than the thing itself, and god, what smells like pine? So I was happy about this new upgrade. But, and god I wish I could shut this off, I immediately starting analyzing the philosophy behind these devices. Mainly, that when you turn them on, significantly less fluid comes out then when they are off. I was surprised to realize that for me, that was a bit comforting. A) because it proves its working and B) it seemed like it was really filtering a lot of shit out. Like half the water is gone! My god, how did I ever live without this? Is half the water in Austin Vaseline or Bleach or blueberries (which is what the water in my house totally fucking tastes like)? Those little kraut gizmos must have some serious farfegnugen. I also secretly assume that the vast quantity of toxins, neurotoxins, fish eggs, and brine that it removes is quietly funneled back into the regular water when you turn the filter off. Just as a little fuck you to anybody who's too good or lazy or in a hurry I guess, to spend 3 seconds flipping the little switch. It also has a light on the top that shines emerald when it's in use, or as I like to say…deployed. This, sweet Christ, this was a BRILLIANT idea. Any time some one in America wants to make an old product seem new, they put a fucking light on it. Toasters, toothbrushes, shoes, it doesn't matter. If it lights up, our collective consumerist mouths hang open and, as though we had a seizure or we locked our knees for too long at choir practice and fainted, were all 19.99 plus tax poorer. I think I might go to one of the myriad body modification boutiques in this city and see if the guy who puts metal rods through peoples genitals can install a little blue light in between my eyes that lights up when I do something well. Tell a joke that's funny? BLINK BLINK BLINK. Get to work on time. BLINK BLINK BLINK. I can practically smell the cash rolling in already. Also, this idea is trademarked so don't even think about it beating me to it. BLINK BLINK BLINK.

My haunted house is an asshole

Well, if any of you know me at all then you know I work nights. It's currently 12:30ish and I've been home for about fifteen minutes. It's very windy and cold tonight and so I'm sort of huddled up in my kitchen as I write this...lets call it a Eulogy. Epitaph is more likely but fuck it, I'm an optimist. Anyways, I get home, I toss on my hoodie and pour my self a stiff post-shift night cap and step out into my back yard to smoke away the pain. The way I gain access to my back yard is a sliding glass door which comprises about 2..3rds of my kitchen's rear wall. So I'm on the porch, smoking and thinking about how it's taking scientists fucking forever to invent light sabers for real (god, I'm living for that day) and all of the sudden, as if god tripped and flipped a switch, the previously chilly but somber night EXPLODES into a howling windstorm. Trees thrash, leaves rustle, nipples harden into little pink diamonds and I'm just standing there taking it all in.
let me preface this with the fact that even though I probably don't know you very well and I certainly know your friends and family even less, I can honestly say with absolutely no doubt in my mind that I'm the most neurotic son of a bitch you have or will ever meet for the rest of your life. Even if you are an archeologist studying 2007 from the distant, beaver controlled, future and are reading this important artifact on holo-plank and snaking on a cod in the heart of the national Dam of History, I still know that my claim is true. I could give examples of this but it would be pointless. I win, hands down, fuck you (but your still pretty cute, beaver-scientist).
This is important only because it explains why, when I venture out into my yard, I always leave the glass door open at least an inch, because I know that the one time I close it, I'll be locked out. And then the heart attack or head injury or vicious bloodthirsty rabid nuclear possums come and, well, you know the rest.
But back to the scene...Me, drinking(drunk) and smoking, nipples, wind picks up, taking it in...And then things go...HORRIBLE.
I suddenly notice this AWFUL screeching noise, like the axels of trains from a quarter mile off, like a garbage truck full of linoleum being driven under an enormous damp sneaker, I just, I can't do it justice, but it was fucking loud and it made me pee a little. So, I go inside to investigate. As soon as I close the glass door it stops. This tells me what I heard was the wind whistling through my house. Ok, that's science, that's my world! I can handle that...but...where is it coming from? I take four steps into the hall and...


Wait for it....

My front door is open. Wide open. And swinging. And it's midnight. And a loud sound scared me. And my nipples, and the wind, and I'm tired and FUCK MY DOOR IS OPEN ANDITHINKILOCKEDITBUTIDONTREMEMBERFUCK.

So I'm in my kitchen. And I'm cold. And it's dark in here. and if my head was on fire and the last bucket of water on the planet was down the hall in my night filled bathroom surrounded by naked drunk chicks and Han solo asking me to fix his spyware problem on the Millennium Falcon...I'd sit here and burn down like a forgotten cigarette. The police who find me will have to snub me out on my tile floor.

I guess, in closing, I just want to say that if I have disappeared by the time you read this, please know that I don't blame you for not rushing to my house to help me make sure it's not full of murderers or foreigners or those possums I mentioned earlier, I just think you are kind of a jerk.